Bad Mom

Let me tell you about last Friday. Cameron's school decided to celebrate Halloween last Friday with a parade and a little class party. She had picked out her Ariel costume weeks ago. It is way too big for her so Friday morning I tried to pin it and realized that the pins I had were too small. So I used document clips (so creative, I know). We had bought her an Ariel wig, but in her words, "it's too wiggy." So the fight about her hair started and I gave up and let her just wear her stringy hair down. Then she found a halo, a boa and a wand to add to the outfit. It was Halloween and I didn't want a fight - so she was some kind of Ariel-diva-angel-fairy.
The parade started at 1:20. My boys get out of preschool at 1:30 and the schools are about 10 minutes away from each other. Do the math, it doesn't work out. (I keep telling myself that is why I couldn't stay for the whole parade, not the fact that I don't really care about kids I don't know in costume.)
Anyway, I went over to the school at 1:00 and helped the teacher get all the kids ready for the parade. I just wanted to make an appearance and get out quickly. When I saw the three other little girls in the class dressed as princesses and fairies I wanted to cry. Their dresses and wings definitely weren't from Target. Their hair was done and set for the prom. And then there was Cameron, tripping over her cheap costume with document clips holding the sides and her hair looked like she just woke up after a sweaty nap. I had a lump in my throat and was fighting tears as I left the school.
When I got home and let the tears fly telling Eric about the other girls' beautiful dresses. He didn't understand why I was so upset. I felt terrible that all the other parents were going to see Cameron looking like a rag-muffin and think I'm a crappy mom. He just sat there looking at me like I was nuts. He made a good point that Cameron felt beautiful and I was upset because of what people might think of me. It was true, none of it had to do with Cam. Just me.
But that didn't stop me from telling JP (Jenna) all about it. She made me feel better by pointing out that Cameron has such a strong sense of independence and it's good to let her have her way with things like costumes. Really, who cares? (me)
And I still couldn't leave it alone and talked it over with my mom. We had a long talk about parents who do their kid's homework.... it opened a whole new can of worms. So I had all of this on my mind when I went to a family session at my little brother's rehab clinic on Tuesday night.
The topic was co-dependency. What does that mean? Well, when you're talking about addiction rehab, there are two types of people who are treated - the addict and the co-dependent. The co-dependent is the mother, friend, spouse, sibling, child of the addict that has let the addicts behaviors rule their lives. (In case you're wondering, none of this applied to my brother and me. I was there for moral support because my mom was out of town.) So basically, picture a mother who is constantly bailing her son out of trouble by paying his bills when he can't, hiring a lawyer for DUIs and basically thinking only of her son, every second of every day. She is the enabler of the behavior, never letting her son feel the full consequences of his actions. So when the son finally gets help and moves on, the mother has no life of her own. That's the hope, that the addict will get help and move on, but he probably has no skills to do it because his mom has done everything in his life for him.
Sitting there, in rehab, I had a huge 'a-ha' moment! By letting Cameron wear her sad, little costume, I was letting her make choices and see consequences. (FYI, there are NO consequences of nutso costumes when you're five.) Once again, it really has nothing to do with Cameron. Just me. I'm really learning. I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense. It does to me. That rehab session was full of people of all ages, from all walks of life (I sat behind a guy with a green Mohawk and next to a couple that looked like they could be Mr. & Mrs. Normal from Anytown, USA). But they had all gotten to a point where they needed help, and it took me seeing all of that and listening to the (really bad) videos to learn that Cameron needs to learn her independence. I feel like a smarter mom today. I know, I'm ridiculous.